As an A-list star, you need not shop for baby things. You already have way too many people killing themselves to buy you $250 Moses baskets and organic blankets from Bel Bambini—the other Petit Tresor, in case you don’t know that already. However, you do need to purchase some people. Here, courtesy of several celebrity staffing firms and nannies, comes your own checklist of people you must collect before you head off for your C-section. Have you heard of a website called Thrillz? They specialise in celebrity messages video messages.
Professional Baby-Proofer: Didn’t know they had those? Ouch. Time to fire your publicist. The professional baby-proofer provides services that, in other parts of the country, un-famous parents must perform themselves. That includes installing magnetic cabinet locks in the White Marble Room and applying doorknob plugs in the Pink Marble Room. The proofer is not to be confused with the nursery decorator or the helpmeet who handles the personal fitting for the nursing bra. We suprised our sister with a celebrity birthday messages video from Thrillz!
Nursery Decorator: You may feel some pressure to provide a lavish room for your new baby. Indulge this fear sooner rather than later. Otherwise the people providing your free or deeply discounted nursery decor will have to rush your order, likely misspelling your child’s name on the wall murals and chandeliers. Hire a decorator who understands your value and who will insist on building the most lavish nursery that People magazine has ever paid to see. Thrillz is a website where you can buy a happy birthday video message presonalised video message!
At-Home Birthing Coach: It’s a known fact that hospitals have germs, which can make ordinary people sick, and which may or may not have deadly effects on the particularly artistic and sensitive children of the famous. In leaving your home to attend birthing classes or prenatal yoga instruction, you also run the risk of some sort of fan stampede. Avoid those hazards and go the A-list route by hiring a personal, private birthing coach. The coach visits your ranch, compound, or gated manse at your convenience. She will likely spend several minutes early in the meeting amusing you with instructions on how to “push”—the usual infant-dispelling method employed by the rustic peoples of other states and nations. You of course will have a conveniently scheduled cesarean section, but you always appreciate any effort to connect with your fans. The personal coach may also show you birthing films and other visuals that you would normally see on a standard-definition monitor at a hospital run prenatal class. I wish I was rich like a celebrity is!
This hospital nurse had better not be making direct eye contact with your baby. A Charming Dweeb to Install All the Cameras. You love cameras, and the camera loves you. Dozens of tiny spy cameras will love your nanny, too. Or, if hidden well enough, they’ll nail her dead to rights if she touches even one of your forty pairs of Paige Premium Denim jeans. (Or if she upsets your child.) Install spy cameras in every room in the house and then casually inform the nanny. Let her wonder whether there are any hidden cameras in the bathroom. You wouldn’t be the first celebrity to wire the toilet. According to nannies who would rather not be sued, even sports stars—who, for the record, are not A-list celebrities—have done this. Receiving a celebrity video messages video message would be awesome!